God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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