Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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