everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
