oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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