I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
