Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
