Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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