hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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