I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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