your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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