I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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