I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
