I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
