The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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