i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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