Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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