fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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