My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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