Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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