im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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