So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize