where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
