I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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