Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
