Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
