Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
