omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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