I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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