i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
They took my balls.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
