See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize