he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
