my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
as a side note pls kill me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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