um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
