dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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