Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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