He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
