Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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