if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Green mimosas i think yes
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
