the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
