I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
