I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
