Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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