Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
