The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
