new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
All the doctor said was why
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
