His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize