Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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