What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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