You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
