I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize