I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
you never un-have a 4some
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
