I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
