Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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