sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
