she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
