I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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