At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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