Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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