I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
someone get that fucking seahorse.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Randomize
