Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why did my mother make you get naked?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
