It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
