Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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