just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
