I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just gargled with NyQuil
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize