Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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