so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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