Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
honey bunches of taint.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize