I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
