I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
