I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
